The Inside Forward - Men in Black: Part One

Who in their right minds would ever want to be a referee? Well as it turns out quite a few people would and not just power hungry authoritarians who like nothing more than the sound of their own voice. This type see their whistles as some sort of gift from above bestowing upon them great powers, which they like nothing more than wielding around a muddy field every weekend.

Admittedly this is doing a disservice to the stricter referees out there who are, in my view, quite justified in acting against the streams of expletives thrown in their faces whenever they blow the whistle.

But when the man in charge starts the afternoon by diligently checking the soles of your boots (does anyone even make illegal studs these days?), objecting to the wrong coloured tape holding up your socks (who cares?) or pointing out the illegalities of our midfielder’s multi coloured boxers poking out underneath the hem of his shorts, you know it’s going to be a long afternoon.

We get all sorts at our level, the ref who’ll let you almost decapitate a player so long as you don’t swear at him afterwards and the guy who is the complete opposite who doesn’t mind you obscenely questioning his integrity, his favouring of the other team, his weight, his eyesight, his choice of socks and his mother’s fidelity but give a player a nudge and it’s another needless free kick conceded.

There’s the one who’ll let everything go and the match will inevitably descend into a hack fest and the one who won’t let anything at all go and dishes out cards like a croupier on speed. We’ve even had the referee who booked a player for racism after calling our striker ‘foxy,’ presumably in the belief that white, ginger Kerry men are a persecuted minority in need of all the support they can muster.

Whoever you get it’s important to start the day right and try and get him on your side. Upon getting out of the car, one referee told me he was spotted by a manager who duly exclaimed his exasperation in having to put up with him that day.

After the match, which didn’t go according to plan for this manager, he posted a picture of the referee on social media blaming him for the loss and a few other things to boot. Thankfully the league actually stepped in but it just shows the general culture that prevails, it’s a lot easier to blame the officials than one’s own team’s inadequacies.

On the plus side though, if it’s always the referee’s fault then it’s much easier to enjoy your after-match pint safe in the belief that your wonky back line was definitely not to blame for those three goals you conceded. And how could he possibly have red carded you for an off the ball hack at a player’s legs when you were 90% sure he was looking the other way at the time?

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