The Inside Forward - Manager merry-go-round

Down in the amateur leagues the manager merry go round is more like a decrepit old fairground ride that lurches a few yards every now and then with just a handful of candidates to hop on. Poor run of results in AUL Division 3b? Well it’s probably due to half the team going to a string of weddings, stag dos, birthday parties or simply weekly binges down the pub rather than any lack of tactical knowledge in the manager. He will stay in charge as long as he wants to keep standing on the side of a soggy pitch every weekend shouting at referees. Who’d replace him anyway?

I’ve played under a myriad of managers of all shapes and sizes in my time, all with varying temperaments. From the absent minded guy who locked the kit in the back of his car (solved by a strategically thrown brick) to the firebrand who receives more yellow cards for referee abuse than the rest of the team put together.

My definition of a successful candidate comes down to a single attribute; the ability to get 12 or 13 decent, sober if possible, players out each week, preferably a selection that bears some resemblance to the team that played the previous weekend. Only 11 players this week? Well at least you know you won’t be substituted.

An excellent manager can keep this going not only at the start of the season when 20 bright and hopeful youngsters turn up for training, refreshed by the summer break, but also in January’s freezing cold, damp and dark conditions when all the optimism has drifted away along with much of the pre-season squad.

There are exceptional weekends, weekends that Alex Ferguson never had to deal with, when five or six of your team are away on holiday or at a wedding. Our current manager digs out his little black book stuffed full of player’s numbers he’s collected over the years who he can draft in for emergencies, guys who are introduced to the regulars by the name of the legitimate player whose identity he’ll be assuming that day.

I’ve seen many a ringer write this name down on their hand in case of a yellow card but such subtleties aren’t always employed. One member of the opposition we played in a third division match stood out a mile, a player far too good for such a lowly fixture. It wasn’t long before I noticed his socks and shorts were those of the completely different club playing on the pitch next to us. Their manager had simply wandered over and asked if one of their substitutes fancied a game. It certainly shows more creativity than heading off to the local pub to drag out your occasional right back; needless to say we lost that game.

It’s not solely about finding players. The manager not only organises the training but also issues the threats to players about not attending the training. He buys new balls when the old ones get hoofed into hawthorn bushes and punctured and he makes sure the kit gets to the launderette and brought back the next week clean and mostly dry. Even this simple task was beyond our manager one Saturday when we delved into the kit bag only to find the local under twelve boys’ team kit. It sure is hard to put a winning team together when they have to play in shorts that restrictive.

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